Sunday, May 14, 2006

Most people think that

suicide is stupid and selfish. And most of the time that is how I view it. But unless you are even close to being in that area... you cant really understand. Depression is a very serious, and very painful thing.
You see... we see it that people would be better off, not having to worry about us, or having to try to please us, or wondering where they failed to make us happy. But that isn't it at all.
Don't get me wrong. I am not suicidal, but I am depressed, and stressed, and I don't feel like a very good mom, wife, or human being right now because I am so sad, and stressed and worried about stupid crap right now that really wouldn't matter to me if I weren't a wife or mother. But it is my job to worry.
I do not see a way to make things better, I do not see a way to make money magically appear to pay bills... well unless there is a life insurance policy on me... but then, well there would be children left without a mother.... and the one thing that pains me a lot right now is the thought of my twin niece/nephew that do not have the option of knowing their mother... and could I really do that to my kids? even if I felt they would be better off? She didn't have a choice, she didn't plan on leaving. What I wouldn't give to allow her to be a mother and watch her children grow... I would take her place... oh how I would!

1 comment:

Terry said...

Your not alone!. I actually have felt that way, the past week. Your sister with all her tormils seems to get me through from all these years.
IM home and on short term disability, the cast is off, yet, no word on going back to work. The bills, I understand as it is just me. Depression, I have it!. It hits you when you least expect it. Then you have good days and just laugh away.
But, to feel the pain of a mother not being able to be with thier children today, I never experienced the Mother part but, the Aunt Part. Kierra was close to me. I have told MJ with what I have been through I would have rather taken her place. She had the right to be a mother. We can all sit here and say it should be us instead as she was so young. But, only God knows I guess.
IM here for you, like I am your sister!. If you find the money tree let me know!. Maybe someday we'll see each other again.
Just remember your not alone when it comes to depression as I felt it today!. IM just over all of it. IM like you. I want happiness for us all.
Love ya, Happy Mother's Day!
Terry Moore