Sunday, May 14, 2006

Most people think that

suicide is stupid and selfish. And most of the time that is how I view it. But unless you are even close to being in that area... you cant really understand. Depression is a very serious, and very painful thing.
You see... we see it that people would be better off, not having to worry about us, or having to try to please us, or wondering where they failed to make us happy. But that isn't it at all.
Don't get me wrong. I am not suicidal, but I am depressed, and stressed, and I don't feel like a very good mom, wife, or human being right now because I am so sad, and stressed and worried about stupid crap right now that really wouldn't matter to me if I weren't a wife or mother. But it is my job to worry.
I do not see a way to make things better, I do not see a way to make money magically appear to pay bills... well unless there is a life insurance policy on me... but then, well there would be children left without a mother.... and the one thing that pains me a lot right now is the thought of my twin niece/nephew that do not have the option of knowing their mother... and could I really do that to my kids? even if I felt they would be better off? She didn't have a choice, she didn't plan on leaving. What I wouldn't give to allow her to be a mother and watch her children grow... I would take her place... oh how I would!

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